Dow Jones now has his own passport - or livestock export certificate as it’s officially called. There’s space for a photo, and he looks extremly handsome.

I noticed my own passport will soon expire, and dashed off to Snappy Snaps for a new mug shot. Despite their best efforts, I look as though I shold be starring in Prison Break.

Too busy fighting with my credit card issuer, Goldfish, to trade - although I rather think I’ve been knocked out of Northern Rock by now, as the radio’s talking about big FTSE falls today.

As for Goldfish, you know that three-figure security code thingee on the back of the card, that you need to quote when you shop online or by phone? Well, the final number on my card has rubbed off!

This meant my ferry booking to Spain got rejected.

While Ella from Brittany Ferries wins a Nicoll Award for Customer Service - a NACS, no less - someone called Charles from Goldfish definitely does not.

Apparently, I still have ‘partial use of my Card’, and that means I am Not A Priority when it comes to replacement. Well, I might not be a priority to them, but I am definitely a priority to me.

During my conversation with Charles, I might have let slip a rude word. Possibly two. Naturally, there was no change of the missing figure being supplied. Not even when I sent an assertive email to Customer Services, requesting that it be texted to me. (Customer services has failed to reply.) Imagine my surprise when I tried later to use my card in Primrose Hill Books. It had been cancelled.

When I called to complain - again - I was told, “Oh yes, I heard about you.” Not a promising start, but by minding my p’s and q’s (and f’s) I have managed to get the card reinstated.

By contrast, when I opened an account with the Sol Bank of Spain, I was given a beach towel and a big bag of lemon drops.

Oh God. Am I turning into a disgruntled ex-pat even before I’ve fled these shores?

Remember the man who liked the razor so much he decided to buy the company? Well, I’ve I like Spain so much that I’ve decided to go and work there - for the next few months, at least.

The moment of decision-making came when I hauled myself out of the pool and sipped on a Pina Colada. My mobile rang. “Hideous weather in London,” booms my chum Retired Reggie. “How are you getting on?”

It was the moment of revelation. I’m at a critical point with my new book. I hate the English winter (the lack of light does my head in) and Dow Jones has run out of Primrose Hill cats to chase.

So off we go, just as soon as you can say Dog Passport. In fact, by this time next month, I’ll be in Marbella. Please don’t hate me.

I shall, of course, continue to trade. Right now I am long on Northern Rock. I entered the trade yesterday, when they’d dropped 55 points on the previous day, and bought at 217. Probably won’t be doing much more before I go, as there’s a lot of Stuff involved in changing countries.

I’m fortunate to have some friends already in Spain. Not to mention Jackie and Michael, who I met at the IX Investor show earlier this year. They’ve just moved to the Costa del Sol on a permanent basis… Jackie, I hope your 93 boxes arrive soon - and safely - in Estapona.

One other thing that might come in useful for all my readers in London, who are obliged to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous driving. My pretty blue Ka got dented recently. It was brilliantly repaired by the (very fit) Martin from dentman.co.uk who showed up on his motorbike, did magic things with long rods - “It’s creating a ripple effect,” he explained as I watched in admiration - and made a perfect, on-the-spot repair at a fraction of the price of a standard knock-out-and-respray job. Highly recommended.

Oh, and I repeat my warning - and recommendation - that you should, on no account EVER shop with an internet company called www.redsave.com Do NOT be beguiled by the low prices. Their customer service is the worst I’ve ever come across in a decade of internet buying, and after extensive correspondence, their MD (whose personal email address I will gladly supply to anyone else who has had difficulties), has failed to deliver on our agreement that he would give a (modest) donation to charity to compensate me for all the hassle and time I’ve had to waste as a result of trying to do business with them. Take it from me, unless you enjoy endless hassle with your credit card issuer and engaging in 60+ emails about a purchase costing fifteen quid, RedSave.com is best avoided.

First of all, an apology. For the past few weeks, I’ve been getting my head firmly around writing a new book. Which means - as many of you have noticed - I’ve been neglecting my blog.

In my three years as a trader, I’ve learned many things. One of which is that when I’m intensely focused on ‘Other Things’, then I’m better off not trading at all, rather than trading simply to be in the market, and then letting the trades run out of control.

Which means I more or less missed the summer market volatility. A bit of a shame, since I know lots of people who’ve done very well by selling, rather than buying.

I did jump back in when Northern Rock went silly. (As a mortgage holder, I am apparently part of the sub prime crisis, and I believe Gordon Brown now holds a third charge over my bathroom, or something.) And Tom Tragett has been doing well for me lately.

The result is that my Finspreads account now stands at £20,000, give or take.

And now I am off for a very overdue holiday. To Spain.

I’ll be back towards the end of the month. Not taking the computer. Not even going to look at email.

But don’t let that stop you from getting in touch. Everyone who writes ALWAYS gets a reply. Sooner or later